glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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