sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
His nipple licking is glorious
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