i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
