Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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