just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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