You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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