She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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