they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
