The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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