He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
