we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
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Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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