We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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