so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hippo gnu deer
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
