im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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