Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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