It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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