I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
