textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
