and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
