closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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