I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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