Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
