He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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