Don't you send me to vm
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
