But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
