OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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