1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You took a bar mat shot.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
