Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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