My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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