I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
