When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize