i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
