Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
