Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
