I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
