God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
