I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
