pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
