Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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