if only i could text you this smell
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
