Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
