Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
