My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
