Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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