Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
