piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
