grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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