now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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