Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
