If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
honey bunches of taint.
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Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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