Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize