How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
