I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
