i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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