Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
