My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
