New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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