just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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