I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
