I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
True strength comes from lack of pants
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
